Frances Frey, founder of Think Maven, is a certified Developmental Coach and Master NLP Practitioner. She has worked with hundreds of men and women, mostly across Australia and New Zealand, helping them transcend their current way of being so they can positively transform themselves and the world around them.

A dedicated mental health advocate, Frances is a Board Director for Waves of Wellness charity, and is passionate about helping us unpack and become aware of any patterns that may lead to stress, anxiety and overwhelm. One of those patterns is ‘People-pleasing’, which is especially common in women. We sat down to chat to the insightful coach about why we ‘People-please’, how it can negatively impact us and why putting ourselves first is far from selfish.

A lot of your coaching work with women is focused around 'people-pleasing'. How do you define this and why do you think it's such a problem for so many of us?

To put it simply, ‘People-Pleasing’ (PP) is a collection of habits that are formed from a young age, and become really well-practised over time.

When we are in PP-mode, we focus on satisfying the wants, needs or desires of others before our own. What this can look like is a conscious or unconscious discounting, avoiding and/or rejecting what we need personally, to feel happy and healthy.

It can become a problem because, on some level, we get value from PP - there is a positive intention for why we do it and this is often in service of recognition, validation, or love. So we keep doing it and the cycle continues.

Are certain personality types more likely to be people-pleasers than others?

Yes. However, while we can ‘type’ our behaviour to first understand it, we then must look objectively at it ie. PP is something we ‘do’ not who we are - this allows us to not over-identify with it (making it easier to shift!)

I’m sure there are various tools and methods - one tool I use in coaching is a personality tool called the Enneagram - there’s a ‘type’ called the “The Helper” which would be typical for a PP for example.

PP can play out in various ways depending on the context or during times of high stress. For example, you may only switch into PP mode with your boss, or mother-in-law, or when an event is happening like Christmas. It’s important to know what and who your PP triggers are first and foremost.

What do you see as the link between people-pleasing and anxiety or overwhelm?

When we’re overdoing PP we can lose focus or discount what we need in order to operate at our best both mentally and physically. And when we forget to fill our tank (rest, sleep, exercise, mindfulness, etc) and run out of fuel, this can lead to overwhelm, burnout or anxiety.

Also, if our efforts to ‘please’ are not being appreciated or validated, we can then either push ourselves to keep pleasing and do more (burnout) or we start filling our mind with unsupportive, ‘worst -case’ thoughts and scenarios (anxiety).

How else does people-pleasing bring challenges into the lives of the women you work with?

They struggle to say NO. They get resentful. They become ‘self-forgetting’ in their own wants, needs, dreams. They lose their ‘sparkle’.

One of the first priorities is to help women give themselves permission to say ‘no!’ and to put themselves first….which can be hard if PP has been running for 30, 40 years!

There is still a historical, gender-bias and/or childhood conditioning within many women that we cannot be, or be seen as selfish. So often I’m not dealing with a client’s own conditioning, there is a collective to take into consideration also.

There’s a lot of stigma around the word ‘selfish’ - I say EMBRACE it, girl! Self-FIRST. If we are burnt out, how can light those around us??

It’s time to break the cycle.

Tell us about yourself, are you a people-pleaser or have you ever been?

YES. I’m a recovering people-pleaser for sure ;)

For me, I learned that PP behaviour was linked to my self-worth - if I wasn’t pleasing or adding value in every way possible in business, then I wasn’t ‘good enough’.

I’ve been on my own developmental journey for 17 years, but it wasn’t until working with a damn good coach, to re-program my belief system, and to know that I’m worthy regardless of what I do, or what others think or feel about me.

What are three quick tips to move away from people-pleasing behaviour?

I will preface this by saying ‘quick tips’ are useful to kick-start your process of unlearning the pattern of PP and to give you tools for ongoing practice.

However, we must also be realistic that anything that’s deeply habitual and strongly linked to our identity structure, can take time, compassion and for some, deeper healing work.

To start, can you simply bring awareness to how PP plays out for you? We can’t change what we can’t see.

Some simple questions may be,

‘does this decision serve me right now?’
‘can I give myself permission to say no right now?’
‘and if I do say no, is the worst-case scenario I’m playing in my mind, really true?’
‘what is the positive outcome of putting me first here?’

Can you start choosing “me” first - if this seems scary, start with something small like saying no to a social invitation to ‘Netflix & chill’ ;)

The more you practice pleasing “me” instead of the ‘other’, the more comfortable you’ll get at it and the flexibility you’ll gain will allow you to make healthy judgments of when to give...and when to say ‘no!’

If you could give just one piece of advice to someone who finds it incredibly hard to say no to people and put their needs first, what would it be?

We can only control four ‘powers’ in life - our thinking, our feeling, our communication, and our behaviour. Everything else is beyond our control - including whether someone is ‘pleased’ by us or not. We can put our EVERYTHING into pleasing someone and it never is good enough in their eyes.

By investing in the quality of your four powers first and foremost and how you choose to spend your precious heart-beats will determine the quality of how you live, love, and lead yourself and others.

Any parting advice for how to welcome in healthy, happy, mindful living?

Get a coach! ;) … or a counsellor, therapist, healer, whatever your vibe!

I’ve worked with coaches, spiritual teachers and mentors since I was 16 years old. It can speed up the process, help you see what you can’t see and create a safe space without judgment to get to the core of how these types of habits play out... and can set you free from pain and suffering!

If you're interested in connecting with Frances about your 'people-pleasing' pattern, 1:1 personal coaching or coach-mentor program for women in leadership, Frances would love to connect with you :

frances@thinkmaven.com.au Reference 'MindBright' to receive 20% off all services this October.

Women with Imposter Syndrome? Join Frances's ONE WOMAN Facebook Tribe here.

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Unpacking people-pleasing and how to prioritise yourself